Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Poker Face & An Erupting Volcano

I've been wanting to blog this for a very long time............

I thought life would be better staying here and studying here in Kuching. But no. Where there are advantages, there are disadvantages. Recently, I've been wishing that I'm studying in a place other than Kuching. Cos I wanted to live that "bujang" life where I just care about my own things like my studies and live that teenage, "free" life. I envy most girls who don't have to worry about doing house chores and they can go out whenever they please. I tell you, having a packed schedule and heavy subject content, trying to fit in house chores can be very stressful. And you girls out there, you're lucky cos you have it easy. But you'll lack something lah...

But since I started college, I didn't do house chores lah. But there's always the expectation from family to do it. I am the type of person who would always try to meet people's expectations. Even though my family never say it, the expectation is always there and I feel like a total failure when I just feel so incapable of meeting it.

And when exam came, that was the worse. There was study break a week before my exam so I decided to study in th library cos I just can't concentrate at home. And someone from home said that I'm selfish lah whatever lah when I told that person that I'll go home late. Did you know that it hurts when you say that? And when I say okay, I go back now since it's so difficult for you, you never replied. What is wrong with you? I'm not selfish! And after that incident, I just couldn't study. What I wanted to do was cry cos I was so stressed out studying and you had to say something negative to me. That was help much. Thanks a lot.

Then on Saturday which was 2 days prior to finals, I told you that I wanted to go and study in the library. And what did you say to me? I still remember it word for word. You grumbled. Then you said,"See? You're always escaping work." Wow. That was so supportive of you. I was hurt but I didn't show. I may look like I'm oblivious all the time. I may seem that I don't care but I actually do. I just make that face just so that I'll feel better when I'm actually very sensitive and hurt.

Where was the support when I needed it most? Did you have any idea that I didn't have sleep for 3 weeks? Why did you have to condemn me instead of encouraging me? Did you even know I was stressed to the extend that my hair was falling off?? You know, one day I might just not listen to you anymore cos I don't like the way you handle me. And yeah, I'd like to be away from you cos you're no help to my mental health.

I don't understand why you can't handle the house on your own that day cos well, all you had to do was cook and do some cleaning. You didn't have to pick me up from the library or anything. You know, when mama wasn't around, I did a good job at maintaining the house ON MY OWN. Ju was at school. So no one helped me but I managed doing cooking AND cleaning okay? You didn't even work that day and you're complaining??

Please stop being so condemning. I'm a teenager who needs guidance and I will listen to people like mama cos she knows how to handle me. I may seem to not listen to her but I actually do take it into consideration cos she say it in LOVE and not in a condemning way. You're always grumbling and having that tone that I don't like to hear. Kinda naggy. Who likes to hear people nagging anyway??

There. It's all out. My college life here is great. Having great friends and all...but having unecessary stress from home at the wrong time is just overwhelming. Friends, don't get me wrong. I love you all and you're the best. You did nothing to make me wana go away from Kuching aight? Again I say.......I wana be out of Kuching where I just care bout my own room, my own stuff, going out and not having people worried when I come back late. I wana hang out freely. Live in a hostel or rent a room with friends. It will be such an adventure! But I can't have all those. I know my dad won't mind but when thinking about costs, it's alot. So I don't wana be any financial burden.

Semester 2 subject content will be worse. What with Engineering Maths B and Engineering Physics. The two killer subjects. And if the same thing happens for my Sem 2 finals, I really don't know lah. I think I'll insist that it's either I go or they better not give me any more stress during that time. But during class? To try and fit in house chores I think will be another difficult thing to do.

Please, I hope you all understand that I'm lousy at time management. Please don't pressure me anymore. I don't wana end up failing because of emotional turmoil.


For those of you who knows me, I'm not the kind that will cry easily. And when I do cry, it's something that really hurt me real bad.

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