I must admit. I am a bit of a loner. And I do guard my privacy. And I get a bit anxious when people (even my friends) want to come over. Mostly due to the planning involve. My house do have many dwellers. But it is something I have to get over at times. Because I tell myself that I can't always be a loner and keep my privacy all the time. And thankfully, with this thinking, it gives me a fair share of solidarity and having company.
And...the reason for being a little quiet bout my love life is because it is my personal life. So personal life's gotta be personal. And I am trying to keep it personal. Who wants to know the mushy details about it anyway? I mean, if I were to read my friend's blog and reading all the mushy details about her love life.....I would desperately need a plastic bag. To save you from such a thing, I'd prefer to spare you the details.
But there is one thing I need to let out. I fear something....I don't know how to put it in words. Like last time, I was so "in love" or so I thought I was "in love" only to find that I was just the flavor of the month. I was placed in a position where I was so very much hopeful and then....I was left with just hopes and promises and 3 words that actually meant nothing. Of course I was sad. Who wouldn't be? For a day, I just felt like hiding in my room and shed tears but instead, my mother took me out and had no choice but to hold back the sadness that burdened my heart. Worse of all, he didn't even know I was upset because every time we meet, I just smiled and acted like nothing happen. Life just went on normally with us still talking but the hurt just couldn't go away...until I started college that is. But still, seeing him just reminds me that I musn't be foolish and let my feelings get carried away. And so, I still feel the pain but more to shame which acts as a reminder not to repeat such a thing ever again. Also, this kind of thing is enough to shatter my self-esteem even though people tell me I am beautiful and I do think I am beautiful....but...more often than not, the question of "Am I really that beautiful?" does pop up. And I do compare myself with other girls and convincing myself that other girls are much more beautiful than I.
Of course I feel like revenging...who wouldn't? Both parties abusing their good looks for personal gains. But of course, it doesn't make me any better than him. So I don't wana do it. And who says people like me don't get hurt? I decided I don't want to do this to anyone. And so, I'm not playing around. And don't be surprised that it is so difficult for me to say 'I Love You' these days. Because I am SICK of lip service.
To YOU, I hope you're serious cos I don't want you to play around with my feelings. It's enough that I've been hurt once. If only I could read minds, it would be so much easier. But I can't. Sometimes I think you're serious but at times, I think you're just playing with me. So I don't know. I feel like I can't take you seriously at all. Sometimes...ahh....nevermind. I'll stop here.