Monday, August 30, 2010

Wandering Eyes

I'm back from the Church Camp! I have to say I learned many things. Despite the speaker being the Bishop of Kuching, he actually has something substantial for us this time around as compared to last year. Unfortunately, I did not prepare my mind for it so during his preaching, I was 'on' and 'off'. Overall, I had fun. =)

I also realized that the camera loves me during the camp. Unfortunately, I do not love the camera as much as it love me. I'm not that daring enough to show my true affection for it. In other words, I'm not that daring to pose radical poses. And I can't really give a beautiful face. I'm just so shy to! I tell myself that I'm not photogenic when I was younger and contact lens was not that appealing to me. I was very camera-shy, I did not like to appear in pictures. Now that I've blossomed and I do admit I do think I'm beautiful but I really need to embrace it! I think the reason why I don't really want to embrace it is because I'm so scared I'll become so full of myself and forget what TRUE BEAUTY is all about. I think it's important for me to focus on what's on the inside than what's on the out.

I am blessed to be beautiful. I have genes to thank for that! Haha. I found out from my uncle that I actually have Dutch blood. That's why some of my relatives have orang putih look. (Genes tend to skip generations by the way.) One of them happens to be me. It's both good and bad. The good is that I look unique. The bad is, I look very orang putih which means people can't tell that I'm a Bidayuh. Unlike most Asians, I am very proud to be an Asian and I want to embrace every Asian feature that I have. But I do have a feature that resembles my Asian-ness - I'm petite. It makes me feel very close to my grandmother because my dad's relative would say that I look beautiful and small like my late grandmother.

It's funny how international students were asking each other "where are you from?" And I'm surprised they ask the exact same question to me! Don't I look like my countrymen?? =( It does make me feel 'alien' when people ask me that. But I do feel a little sense of pride as well. It's bittersweet, really. Some thought I was Eurasian and some thought I was....Italian (???). Dior's French! Ah well.

I'm gonna miss my brother. :-'( The house feels empty again.

I have tumblr by the way!

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