Today was GB's Award's Day. An event where the girls get their awards for their hard work. I felt good about myself during this day. And at the same time, I felt bad. I felt bad because....I am actually deciding on not going for GB anymore. And yet....they are still praising me for my contributions.
Truth is, I have no heart for this. I have tried liking it. I did. And...it still isn't enough to make me wana come every week. Every week, I have to force myself to come. Like there is no thrill to it. I just can't be enthusiastic about GB as I can be enthusiastic about band. It's just not the same.
Throughout my 2 years in GB, (Gosh, that's how long I forced myself to go??) I can say that the girls are lacking or should I emphasize more, DESTITUTE of discipline. I know the officers are doing a great job on the spiritual part but not the discipline part. I think they are too concerned about the spiritual part of GB that they overlooked the discipline part. It's true that one needs to have Christ in their lives to be changed. But we need to remind ourselves that we are a UNIFORM BODY. And these are teenagers we're dealing with. I couldn't emphasize more. It is our job to try and impart discipline in them.
Honestly....sometimes I don't like what the girls post in Facebook. If I compare them to the band kids in my previous school, the band kids are a whole lot better. Band kids are what you call....what you see is what you get. The girls....some pretend. Best part about band kids is that not all are Christians and it's not all about Christianity but they are so much better than GB girls. Of course, when they are on field and doing work, they really do their work. Off field, they're like a bunch of hooligans. But at least they know when to work and play. The GB girls? Sad to say...they can't even salute properly. How la?
In my honest opinion, GB suddenly became a community centre. I watched on TV, a community centre is a place where they take in girls who have been rejected by their families - teenage pregnant mothers, teen mothers, delinquents etc. to do things for self-improvement like sewing, cooking and stuff. That's what GB suddenly become. But we are not a community centre. We're a uniform body! I really need to stress that.
These girls never really know what it's like to be enthusiastic. To look forward to something. In band, they LOVE coming for practice every week without fail. They just keep coming that when they don't have to come, they still want to come! Instead of begging them to come, we have to beg them to stay home! That's the kind of dedication band kids have. GB girls? No. I don't see that in them. I can see from some of their face and body language that they're not so thrilled to be there every week. They look like semadi jak mok datang...for their KK marks. That's all. Some are enthusiastic. But not the extreme kind that I see in band. It's just not enough.
I think GB Malaysia needs to re-evaluate the GB program. We have been using the same GB program structure since like...what? The 70s? What was relevant then may not be relevant now. Times have changed. Kids are getting more and more advanced. We need to cater for their current needs. How to get them interested and keep them coming. We need to revamp and be current to attract kids to come. And from there, we can sow God's word into their lives. But with the current structure, I don't think it's going to be very effective anymore. Us officers have that responsibility. In order to keep them coming, we need to keep updating.
As much as I would like to continue, my heart is not there at all. I know I will miss out on opportunities but if my heart isn't there, there is no point in being there at all. I need to humble myself to leave instead of keeping my pride by staying. I wana do other things. I hope I find a constructive one and one that I really love doing. Somewhere where I can really contribute. GB is not suitable for me. Unless there is change. I know....some may tell me,"Why don't you be the change?" I ask that myself a lot but I can't. There's a lot of work in that and I can't spend so much time on this. Besides, I want to be more involved in my uni.
That's all for now. I really need to let this out. I hope that I don't sound that I'm dissing. But I need to move on and keep searching what I really want to do. Where do I fit in. I need to.